For those of you who don’t know, TTC stands for “Trying to Conceive”. There are so many acronyms in the TTC world, many you’d never come across unless you were trying to make a baby. I thought it was time to share our TTC journey, the journey of trying to start our family. This may be a lengthy post, and just as a disclaimer, I’m going to be getting into detail about my miscarriages, so it’s going to be a bit of a sensitive post as well.
My husband and I were married in 2014 in Prince Edward Island, Canada. I was 27, he was 28. We met online, and within a year of first talking we were married. We wanted children, definitely, but were in no rush. I took my teaching degree, and we ended up moving out west to Alberta in 2016.
In June 2016 we started trying to conceive. I had accepted a teaching job and we felt like we were finally in a place to start a family. It took 7 long months before I saw my first pregnancy test, on March 7, 2017. I still remember that it was a Tuesday night, and I was so beyond shocked to see the “Yes” staring up at me from the digital test. I couldn’t wait, I told my husband that night the exciting news.
Sadly, two days later, I started bleeding, and I learned I was having my first chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is basically an early miscarriage, usually one where the embryo does not implant.
I was sad, but really had only known for two days so it wasn’t a huge blow. The next month, my 8th cycle TTC, I got pregnant again! I was so excited, I had heart that often women are extra fertile on the cycle following a miscarriage and it seemed to ring true for me. We had an early ultrasound and lo and behold, there was a baby in my belly. The doctor told us that the heartbeat was low for what it should be, but I should come for another scan in two weeks and hopefully it will have caught up. So we booked a scan, on my 30th birthday. Which was a really bad idea, it turns out. On my birthday we went for the ultrasound. I should have been about 8 weeks pregnant. While there was a heartbeat, it was low, only about 50bpm. We were told that I should expect to miscarry, but were not given much more information about that. I remember trying to be so positive leading up to that appointment, and then having my hopes just shattered. I had to book an appointment with my family doctor, who said that I was early enough along that I should just wait for a natural miscarriage. It happened a week later, and I ended up going to the emergency room at the hospital because I was losing so much blood. It was a devastating time, both physically and emotionally.
The months that followed were hard for me. I remember looking for help, but upon doing some research I decided I couldn’t really afford counselling. So I just cried a lot, and eventually we decided to try again.
It took a few months, but at the end of November 2017, I found out I was pregnant again. I was super cautious during this pregnancy, and worried about every little symptom. I was spotting a fair amount during this pregnancy as well. The people at the hospital probably thought I was crazy because I ended up having 3 or 4 ultrasounds in a 4 week period.
We had a dating ultrasound just before Christmas. Much to our excitement, we had not only one healthy heartbeat, but TWO! We were having twins. We were ecstatic.
Around 8 weeks in, I had some more spotting, and went back to the hospital where they did another scan. They said one of the heartbeats was great, the other had slowed, but things still looked good. Spotting can just be a normal part of pregnancy for some women, they said.
Well, the day came for my scheduled 9 week scan. My husband couldn’t come as he was working, so a good friend of mine accompanied me. I went in expecting good news, but to my shock, I received the worst news. There were no heartbeats, at all. I was devastated. I don’t know how one week everything is okay and another it’s all falling to pieces.
I had experienced a natural miscarriage about 7 months earlier, and decided this time I didn’t want to wait to pass them naturally. I hated the idea that there were dead babies inside of me. So on Wednesday, January 10, 2018, I went in for a D&C. I couldn’t eat prior to the surgery and they weren’t sure when they could get me in. Finally, around 2:00pm they took me down. I remember being rolled into the OR, and it was bright and scary and there were tears running down my cheeks. I remember waking up from the procedure and tears were still streaming down my face. I just kept saying to the nurse “My babies are gone.”
That loss affected me greatly.
On May 19, on my 31st birthday, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic. Part of me felt like it was meant to be, because I found out about my first major loss a year prior, and now I was getting good news to make up for a hellish year. But I started bleeding two days later. It was another chemical pregnancy.
So there you have it. It’s now October 2018, and we have been trying for just over two years. I have a fertility doctor, and we’ve just come up with a plan. I’ll be starting some meds that will hopefully help me sustain a pregnancy. I’m sorry if this was a bit of a downer, but I think it’s important to remember what I’ve gone through.
Miscarriage is devastating. The rollercoaster of excitement, hope, and heartbreak really take a toll on your emotions, your marriage, your mental health.
There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. – David Platt
To anyone who has experienced loss, please know you’re not alone, and I’m alway hear if you need to talk. xx